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Meet Clover la Oink

From the Desk of Clover la Oink, Therapist Extraordinare — Pig therapy you can trust!

If you would like to unload your problems with a talented and experienced Therapist, I am your pig! Dr. Clover la OinkSelf-trained in the traditional "pig on sofa" relaxation techniques, you will enjoy an atmosphere of comfort during your private therapy session, allowing you the complete freedom to share your innermost agonizing or limiting emotions usually brought on by the humans you live with. Let's face it, two-leggers are taxing at best, as pointed out by the testimonial below.

— Dr. Clover la Oink, PhD

"My name is Harry Swinedell, Ace Reporter, and I was a barrow in need. Recent months had left me emotionally drained, but Dr. la Oink's proven stress-releasing techniques quickly helped me get back on track. My downward trend first started with my work assignments which took me into dangerous territory. First-hoof reporting done from the battle grounds of Chrissy Pig vs. Clover, was nerve wracking, at best. Strain like that can wear on you quickly, even us professionals.

As a talented reporter, my stories are my creative outlet. Imperative that a reporter get his story out quickly and intact, dealing with two-legger editors is often difficult. Case in point, imagine my horror to find that in my past two articles, I was blatantly censored, and then cropped! No lie! And this is a national publication! To set the record straight, I AM the Mummy Pig shown in the Halloween article in question. And my joke, left out for the human worry of a questionable word in the punch-line, was this: 'What's dry and smells like dust?' Mummy farts. Okay, can you find the questionable word here? Believe it or not, it is the word 'fart.' Never mind that my mom can blab all through her articles about poop and body fluids...Gross stuff like that, but the little four letter 'f' word caused my joke to be banned from print nationwide. Yes, fellow pigs, this caused me great despair.

Then we were cropped on! At the end of the Halloween article previously mentioned, the last two words were cut off because someone had to put Penny PigMeadows pigture in there, too. The last line should have read, 'Happy Halloween - from all of us wind-blown creeps!' You know, it just tied the whole thing together since it was a story about the Labor Day wind storm! Not that I want to deny any pig the uplifting satisfaction felt with getting involved in current events, but piggers... To cause cropping is downright emotionally dangerous to us authors!

For my seventh birthday this year, I had my very first birthday party. Oh, uh-huh, sure! ...The otherMummy pigs have had birthday parties, but not me! Finally, I get my party. AND it was a big surprise. Not only did I have a party of my own, but many of my human friends came to honour me. Mom took pigtures of me with my guests and presents. I'm sure I had a surprised look on my face, but we'll never know NOW! After she took pigtures of me at my party, she then used the same film to take pigtures of some other stuff. Not one of my wonderful party pigtures came out. It's a good thing we pigs are related to elephants. I'll need my good memory to remember this event!

On the heels of these two professional, and one emotional, blows, I was forced to endure a 'Natural Disaster,' followed quickly by a human attempt to squelch my rightful #2 place in my herd of three. You heard that right! As I attempted to remove Princess Penny PigMeadows from her self-appointed throne upon the sofa, I was cut right off by Dad. Accused of having a bad attitude, I was forced to suffer the indignities of having my hams hurried right out the door into the cold morning air. It wasn't even light out yet!!! This was the icing on the cake...Which, you guessed it, I couldn't eat either, BECAUSE it is fattening!

These kinds of atrocities should NOT be allowed to occur, but as long as we live in a world with humans, it can't be avoided. What to do? Get Help!

Dr. Clover la Oink saved me. He suggested some simple strategies aimed at helping me to deal with the stress of both my professional career as an Ace Reporter, and also with my 'middle pig syndrome.' These simple techniques have helped me return to the confident, always handsome, pig that I am today and you have always thought me to be. He saved me from the ravages of our human-infested world, and half of it came just from spending time on his comfy sofa! With only a few short sessions of intensive therapy, I am completely revitalized and ready for anything. And, I hadn't realized I was sinking into a nest of despair! I highly suggest you make an appointment today."

— Harry Swinedell, Ace Reporter - Associated Pig Press

Dr. Clover la Oink, PhD: NO PIG will be turned away, and there is no problem too small. Here is a sampling of the emotional complaints both heard and cured by me:

I'm CURED! - Harry

And another intensive therapy session:
Therapy Session

Clover la Oink lives riverside, in Central NY, with his herd and their pet humans. He is quite famous. If you would like to submit any therapy questions for his advice, please contact him through the numbers below. Please note that private matters will be kept confidential, but all others will be published in the NAPPA News. If outside the 1-800 calling district, please call Animal Wellness at 315-652-4964 weekday afternoons, when his receptionist can answer your call personally. Or you may email him at PigTherapy@HolisticAnimal.com

Remember, when we took on these humans for pets, we became committed to their lifetime facade of whose in charge. Don't let their ignorance or arrogance cause you untold emotional stress. CALL ME today for your appointment and get the relief you deserve. Prices are very reasonable...fresh produce preferred. Group Herd Sessions are available, too. CALL 1-800-PIG-SHRNK. This call is Toll Free. Psychiatric Pig Professionals P.C., 123 Squeal Place, Euphoria, NY

Meet Harry Swinedell, (and middle pig)

 

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